So I Wonder Is this How Things Are Going To Be

Journal People :

Things on my end are starting to become more and more realistic. I turned eighteen (1-8) approximately 3 weeks ago. I graduate June 1,2014 and, then it will be time to begin that new chapter in life. Honestly, being real right now, I'm scared.This shit has been weighing heavy over my head ready to fucking fall. I don't know how/what my life is going to consist of.We all say what we WANT to happen(predicting).But we really don't know.Guess you just have to put on yo armor, prepare for the obstacles and buckle your seat belts for all the ups and downs to come.

The Realist

So as I close this year, its starting to hit me more and more, #Life is getting real. I'm taking the steps into being a young adult and honestly I'm scared with how the rest of my life will turn out. Here lately, I've been feeling some type of way, that has been taking a toll on me. Maybe its the devil trying to fuck me up mentally. Or maybe its, the simple fact that I FEEL like I've been living a lie..........

Family Drama

        I was always close with my dad. He and I had a much closer relationship compared to the one me and my mother share. So when he pasted last year that hit me hard. The relationship my brother and I have with our mother is far-far from perfect and will probably never will be. She NEVER shows emotion, NEVER /RARELY told us she loved us verbally, SUPPORTIVE every once in a while, and what she calls "THE TRUTH" coming from her is constant negativity,no one wants that negative energy around them ALL the time. She just is not the ideal mother. There are so many individuals out there who I know of that can praise their mother,worship the ground she walks on and all and here I am can't even stand to be in the same room with  mine. It should not be that way. I'm just waiting for the first chance I get to get away and wont have deal with her anymore 18 years are enough. She can go live her life with her new husband and her TWO NEW CHILDREN that she is replacing my brother and I with. That's exactly how it feels,when it was brought to my attention,shes washing her hands and ready for two new ones... that is quite alright with me.

      She claims I'm disrespectful to her and her husband , mainly because I wont speak to them and open up. What the fuck do you want me to say, neither one of you CONSISTENTLY make an effort to make me feel comfortable enough to do any of that. Saying that I can come and talk to you about anything ONCE before and that's all is NOT enough. Show some concern act as if you care and just maybe that'll spark a flame in this relationship. That's the key to getting someone who is shy to open up. If you ask anybody I'm not the type to just open up and talk to any and everybody. It takes me a while to make new friends. I hate meeting new people because I never know what to say. I'm not the social light I once was.You would think my mother would know these things about her son, she doesn't, she doesn't know a lot of things. I made the mistakes before of letting people in and had to change because people felt the need to take advantage of the kind person at heart I can be.

    I have nothing against Kobe Anderson, so for the simple fact they make it seem like I'm this BIG PROBLEM CHILD is not right. I'm feel sorry that they even feel like that, I'm the victim. I never do anything to anybody, I try to stay to myself,  I'm a good person that has to put up with so much BULLSHIT its ridiculous. Their are only select members in my immediate family on my mothers side, I care for my cousin Kayla we are a year and a few months apart, her sister Chanel, and my brother Cameron. this is just the beginning more drama to come im sure

How Much Can a Person Bare?

There were and still are today, times when I feel like giving up on life. Tonight has been one of those nights. By now everybody should know that question that I hate being asked !It's hurtful to me as well as offensive. And when you start to hear it from your so called family members, it makes you want to back up, rewind, and throw up a middle finger in they face too. My ill-edged mother kept asking me questions  tonight on our way to church because I just recently found a job and will be starting soon. The conversation went from talking about the job to the way I do me to that fucking question. "Are you in to men?" she says. I laughed and said "Your funny". A "mother" who claims that they love they kids, but show NO type of fucking affection or interest in them -- is suppose to know everything about her kids in general. So I said NO like I normally do and went on about my business didn't say anything else about it. It wasn't until I reached church when I began to think more and more about it. The more I thought about it, the more upset I became. I eventually had to excuse myself and step away for a little bit otherwise I was for real going to LOOSE it and tear that motherfucker down.

 You may be asking yourself this question "If he say he not then why does he get so upset?" Here's your answer : After you've heard those words "Are you gay?" for so many years it begins to affect and get a hold on you after awhile, especially from people who you don't even know well enough, and they DON'T even want to get to know you because they instantly judge. I can't picture myself living that type of life yet everybody wants to label me as that. I've been getting asked that since I was in the 5th grade. The things they used to say, the people who you thought were your friends talking about you behind your back. I don't think there was EVER one place I felt comfortable enough to just be myself, I thought family was my comfort zone but it's clear as plain day they have their opinions too, and to them I say FUCK YOU yall ain't shit either. 

Never knowing what's the right thing to say at the moment, 

my confidence shot down, not even wanting to open my mouth,

shy and timid afraid of what people will say. Will I have 

to deal with this for the rest of my life? I wonder? I'm hanging in their ------> barely 

though

My Suicide Episode

You've reached the state of depression where, you feel worthless. You wish you could have not woken up that day, you don't feel loved and you've really given up and checked out on life.

 I became suicidal my second semester in HS as a freshmen at the beginning of 2011. That was one night i will never forget.There was a program on television and I was watching and the topic of which they were speaking of was bullying. Apparently it was anti-bullying month, and it was all the talk for a while. As I was watching this show, they told individual stories of how all these kids committed suicide due to issues at home ,school and life. These stories were so sad I couldn't help myself I had an emotional breakdown. I had replays in my head of the same experiences that these kids who committed suicide went through. From the taunting, to the bullying verbally and some physically, that all can way heavy on a person with an innocent  mind and heart. That night was terrible for me I was literally getting ready to give up on life and say fuck it. I was making statuses left and right on my Facebook page. People were scared for me, they were calling my phone that whole night just to see if I was alright I wouldn't accept any calls I was too busy plotting on how I was going to do this(already had written out my note) . I was tired of being talked about tired of dealing with people and the ONLY way I felt I could get rid of all this hurt was to end my life. But then there was a voice that spoke to me saying don't give up, it's not your time , trust in me and believe things will get better. I realized at that moment that I was going through a test and that God would never put more on someone than they can bear. I began to take my faith in Jesus and my religion to the next level.

The Four Year Sentence

"High-school is NOT suppose to be like this."

As I was growing up, I noticed how my older brother was having fun, enjoying his HIGH SCHOOL life. I would always play in my head , I couldn't wait till I get to HS! I had always envisioned myself going to a BIG HS no more small schools for me it was too much of a stress, you either knew everybody there, or they knew you, your business was constantly being talked about throughout the halls , somebody always had something to say, and you would just get tired of seeing the same faces every damn day.

My 8th grade year had came at AJB, and it was somewhat of a bittersweet situation. I was leaving the only school I knew for 7 long years. In my head I didn't want to leave because I knew as we all left that school we were all going to start falling off and weren't going to be as close as we used to be. I just knew i was going to a big HS so I wasn't worried. I had my choices in my head; Broad Ripple, Lawrence North, or MAYBE Warren Central  all i had to do was confront them with Angela (my mother). As I did it had frustrated me because in her words she wanted to keep me in this damn charter school system aka "small schools" why I don't know my brother got to go to Broad Ripple and that was my top choice. She was going to put me in Charles A. Tindley -___- don't get me wrong its a good school but the one thing that turned me off the most was the uniforms. I was put on the waiting list but as we waited another school came about Stonegate Early College HS! So many of my friends i knew over the years were going to go there. They were UNIFORM FREE, although it was a small school I was going to be surrounded with people I already knew so I was already feeling comfortable.

I started SEC-HS fall of 2010. I was enjoying it too. Of course like any other school there was bullshit but I pushed through trying not to let anyone bring me down any farther then I already was. I had been at SEC-HS for about a year and half now before talk began to surface about them possibly shutting down. December 16, 2011 that indeed happened.

January 2012 I would be starting off my new year in a new school! Here it is a year later and I'm still at Irvington Preparatory Academy , when this was suppose to be temporary. Of course I had no say so in where I wanted to go. I wanted to go to Indy Met ,I was registered and everything but then later Angela thought that school was too ghetto (boogey ass) !Everybody I'm cool with at Irvington is starting to leave either graduating or transferring before I know it I will be the only one left. [FRUSTRATED] "High-school is NOT suppose to be like this." I dread having to get up in the morning, because I know this is not how or what I envisioned. I have ONE more year and I can either stick it out at Irvington like I've been doing or transfer to John Marshall. I most definitely will be in Angela's ear about finishing off my HS years at either Warren or Broad Ripple! I'm a Junior and it doesn't even feel like it.thanks to Angela..

From the Beginning Pt. 2

It was time for me to start going to school. I started Pre-K at Mt.Carmel Christian Academy in 2001. That was one school I couldn't get enough of I was there from Pre-K til about 1st grade. I did so much at that school. I was on the basketball team, I was apart of a drill team , I had my first few girlfriends there (we would play house, me always being chosen first to be the father/husband) && I was popular to the kids in my age group,so many friends,I was full of energy and had a big personality. I even discovered a female cousin(Devin) who had a birthday a day after mine. We became extremely close. But there was two older kids who thought they ran that school, so they would go around bullying some of the other kids. So my way of getting them to leave me alone I would buy they ass some candy from time to time. It worked too lol

Things in a way began to change for me in Fall of 2003, where I started Andrew J. Brown Academy. I did NOT want to switch schools, that was for sure. I had to though, it was right around the corner from my house, walking distance, and free. Me and my cousin Kayla both started AJB together, I was in the 2nd grade and she was in the 1st. By now I had developed a stronger relationship with females, YES I had guy friends but the relationship I had with the females was special or so I thought.

As years progressed, I guess me being around those females, was good but not the best thing for me being so young becauseby then I was in the 5th grade still at AJB , when this question began to surface! "Are you gay"  I hadn't even known  what that meant, so I said no. I had a feminine side to me that I didn't even notice but others surely did. Still young, I realized I was  scarred.

From the Beginning

Growing up, life was good, being that young and having NO WORRIES! Boah how I miss those days. 

Born and raised in the Indianapolis, Far East-side is where I reside. My parents had a big age difference between the two of them (13 years) yet they still married 1997. My dad had always been an older man, therefore  when I was born I would spend time with him but it wasn't like we were doing things a young father and his son would do. He did get me hooked on playing basketball, my older brother got me hooked on wrestling  and I thought I was headed down the right path.

That was until, my mother felt the need to take me everywhere she went. Every other Saturday that she didn't have to work, it would be her, her twin sister, me and my 2 of younger cousins. Yes, I know I was the only boy hanging with 4 females at a young age. We would spend the WHOLE day spending money at the mall going out to eat and having fun. ---------- it wasn't my choice but aye after a while I started to enjoy this.